Decade Nicknaming

Humor Column
by Tim Mollen
January 4, 2004

Almost imperceptibly, a crisis has been building in our society, and it’s growing more ominous by the day. Almost everyone has been avoiding the topic, for fear of harsh reprisals from their neighbors and friends. The brave few who have discussed it do so in hushed whispers, and then only because it affects them so directly. Those few are the people who write advertising copy and jingles for radio stations. Just a few short years ago, their world was a happy, simple one. A fella or gal would come into the office, crank up the word processor, and type out something along the lines of:

“W - blah - blah - blah FM. Playing a mix of your favorite songs from the 70s, 80s, and 90s!”

Then they’d take a three-hour lunch, and come back to the office only for their paycheck. But as the millennium approached, these gatekeepers of the American vernacular faced a troubling future. What, they began to ask themselves in the silence of their hearts, are we going to call the decade from 2000 to 2009? Most responded to the quandary with severe denial. “We don’t need to decide this right now,” they told themselves. “For at least a couple of years we can get away with something like this:

“K - blah- blah - blah FM. The cool mix of hits from the 80s, 90s, and TODAY!”

But at some point, these wordsmiths are going to have to face this linguistic menace, head on, as will the people who write eye-grabbing headlines for Cosmopolitan magazine. They can no longer offer 20-question quizzes to help readers determine if they are “A Sexy Woman of the 80s!” They can no longer exhort women to “Jump Into 90s Fashion!” And the problem doesn’t end there. Bad rock bands everywhere are trying to decide how to phrase the urgent message that they are helping America to “Rock into the...current span of ten revolutions around the sun.” K-Tel executives are scratching their heads as they begin to plan nostalgia collections of music and TV shows from this decade. “Hey everybody, remember the great tunes of the early years of the current ten-year period?”

Since no one else has risen to the occasion, I have come up with a list of reasoned, dare I say brilliant suggestions, as a way of kick-starting the search for a solution. Here are a few ways we could refer to the current decade:

• We could start talking like the old people in black and white movies. When they referred to the first decade of the 20th century, they said things like “I haven’t taken a bath since aught six.”
  

• The Aughties. This follows from the above point. Think of the potential for Audie Murphy jokes that no one would get!
  

• The Naughties. Using “naught” instead of “aught” to represent the leading zero would be a coup for the millions of people who hate words that begin with the letter “a.” And the Cosmo writers would have a field day!
  

• The Two Hundreds. This term would make us all feel like we had somehow gotten a raise - a kind of cost-of-living increase in time. Then we’d feel less guilty spending so much time flipping through the TV channels looking for Victoria’s Secret commercials and Jennifer Love Hewitt talk show appearances. (Or maybe that’s just me.)
  

• The Double Ohs. This phrase would really come in handy for political analysts if George W. Bush wins a second term. Then they would be free to call this era the “Dubya Double Ohs.” And the world could be briefly but powerfully united in 2007, celebrating the international James Bond Jubilee. On the downside, we would probably have to engage in revisionist history by renaming the 1990s the “Wee-belows.” The powerful Cub Scout lobby would then be embroiled in copyright infringement litigation for years, leaving them unable to address pressing issues such as deciding if the Pine Box Derby is environmentally friendly.
  

• The Zeroes. Nah - too demoralizing.
  

• The Age In Which We As A People Were Finally Able To Believe That It’s Not Butter.

This last one is my favorite. Sure, it’s a mouthful. But a mouthful of creamy, lard-like goodness!

© 2004 Tim Mollen

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