Ask Your Doctor About Stuffacil!

Humor Column
by Tim Mollen
September 8, 2004

Today’s columnist has leased this space to the makers of a revolutionary new prescription drug, so they can tell you why you should take a lot of it.

Stuffacil.  It’s TODAY’S medium-sized purple pill.  Ask your doctor if Stuffacil is right for you!

Consult your doctor before illegally obtaining Stuffacil and selling it to your friends.  Stuffacil is bad for the arms.  Do not take Stuffacil if you are pregnant, likely to become pregnant, afraid of pregnant people, or chubby.  Do not take Stuffacil before or after meals, as it may make you permanently allergic to most food products, especially those with the word “gummi” in them.  Stuffacil is not recommended for persons who have a history of being a child.  This product may cause your torso to temporarily expand to eight times its normal size.  You may find that visual art such as sculpture or macramé is frighteningly intense while taking this medication.  Stuffacil will make you much more able to operate heavy machinery, but don’t.  Wash Stuffacil down with a refreshing Stuffle fruit drink.  Water will make Stuffacil angry.  You wouldn’t like Stuffacil when it’s angry.  Stuffacil is prohibited for children under the age of 18, for the purpose of expanding our market share among children under the age of 18.  The new Medicare discount card will make Stuffacil more expensive.  Evil Canadians should not be expected to manufacture anything nearly as cool as Stuffacil.  Don’t be afraid to ask your doctor about our product.  Last week, we expensed five nights of heavy drinking for your doctor at Hooters, and he/she seemed to be eager to write a bunch of prescriptions as soon as possible.  Stuffacil is not a suppository, but what the heck.  We sent free samples of Stuffacil to Hillary Duff and football legend Ed “Too Tall” Jones, and although they have not endorsed Stuffacil, we’ll bet you anything they liked it a lot.  Paranoia is not a common side effect, but you may notice an increase in the number of people who look at you as though your fly is open.  A small group of sample subjects found that Stuffacil caused excessive sweating, trenchmouth, the gout, spontaneous combustion, fear of board games, numbness of the face and body, foot cramps and gravy cravings.  Results were completely different and more damaging than placebo, although one guy’s tummy didn’t feel too good after placebo.  Don’t look at Stuffacil like that.  Stuffacil likes your brother/sister better than you.  If you feel better after taking Stuffacil, it is only so that you may live to serve Stuffacil’s Dark Master.  Stuffacil will try again and again to kill you.  The people in our commercials who are shown taking Stuffacil and then frolicking with puppy dogs in fragrant meadows are all dead now.  Consult your doctor if you do not want to be dead.

 

© 2004 Tim Mollen

 

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