The Soft Rock Café

Humor Column
by Tim Mollen
March 23, 2005

I began my storied career as an unpaid, unappreciated restaurant “consultant” years ago, at the grand opening of Margaritaville.  Margaritaville is the restaurant chain conceived and owned by the shaggy, beachcombing pop star Jimmy Buffet.  I was excited to go, having spent many booze-soaked afternoons on schooners listening to Jimmy’s songs about...well, booze-soaked afternoons on schooners.  I thought to myself, “Jimmy Buffet’s a guy who will know how to set up a fun, wild place with some pizzazz.”  Alas, it was not to be.  Upon entering the place, I learned Margaritaville was basically a T.G.I.Friday’s with an island decor.   My biggest complaint was with the menu.  I figured the menu would feature items named in a funny way to refer to Jimmy’s songs.  You know, “Cheeseburger in Paradise.”  “Lost Shaker of Salsa.”  That kind of thing.  It’s a marketing writer’s dream.  But the best they could do was put the word “Margaritaville” in front of everything.  It’s not a side salad –  it’s a “Margaritaville Side Salad!”

After 13 or 14 “Margaritaville Margaritas,” I loudly demanded to speak with the manager.  “Listen, Tubby,” I began.  (I was not being mean, by the way.  His nametag honestly said “TUBBY.”)  “How can you clowns run a theme restaurant without using the theme?!”  Tubby appeared nonplussed, so I proceeded to regale the entire dining room with ways that I felt the place could be improved.  My masterstroke, which I proudly announced while standing on my chair, was the suggestion that the salad and taco bar be renamed “The Jimmy Buffet.”  (Pronounced “buff-ay” –  get it?  I know –  genius!)  This was apparently the last straw for Tubby, who summoned two bulky, mannish hostesses to physically extricate me from this creative wasteland.

So that day I decided to start planning my own chain of restaurants, as a kind of sandbox for my culinary muse.  I stuck with a music theme, just to stick it to those jerks at Margaritaville.  Thus far I’ve been unable to secure investors.  In case any of you are interested in floating me a half-mil or so, here’s a sample menu:

Any of you have some inheritance money and an appetite?  We can make this happen.  Remember how we built that city on Rock and Roll?

© 2005 Tim Mollen

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