Lost Journal

Humor Column
by Tim Mollen
August 11, 2005

The Road to Uncle-dumb

Journal Entry:  January 7, 1980 (age 10)

This morning we got a momentous phone call at our house.  My oldest brother, Jerry, and his wife, Beth, just welcomed their first child, Jennifer Elizabeth Mollen, into the world.  After more than 48 hours of labor, the doctors finally decided to do a Caesarean section.  Apparently, Jennifer liked her luxury accommodations, and wasn’t keen on joining the rest of us here in the dead of a Binghamton winter.

But she’s here now, and we’re all very excited.  It’s Jerry and Beth’s first child, and the first grandchild for both families.  But most importantly, she’s my first niece.  Becoming an uncle is a big deal when you’re in the fifth grade.  Some of the kids in my class may get into PG movies by themselves, but how many of them are UNCLES?

It was an even bigger deal when I was a fourth-grader last spring.  That’s when Jerry and Beth told the family that they were expecting.  They also told us to hold off for a bit before telling anyone outside of the family.

No problem, I thought.  I only told Mrs. McGowan, my fourth-grade teacher, in case I had to leave school to perform some kind of emergency uncle duty.

And I had to tell my best friends Mark Murphy and Peco Hull, because they might have to do my homework for me while I’m away doing uncle-ey type stuff.

I like this girl Julie Hickok, and she thought I was pretty cool when I stuffed an entire hamburger and bun into my mouth at once.  So I had to tell her.  Her best friend is Ann O’Rourke, who likes Peco AND has red hair like me.  That’s sort of a double whammy, so, obviously, she had to know.

I don’t really remember telling the lunch ladies at school, or the guys who are altar boys with me, or the lady at Wagner’s Bakery.  But I must have had good reasons.

Eventually, Beth was surprised when people at her job at Broome Community College started congratulating her.  I’m not sure whom they heard it from, but I think I probably shouldn’t have told that kid who made fun of my entry in the Cub Scouts Pine Box Derby.  “Yeah, my car only has one wheel, and the Shrinky-Dinks I pasted on it don’t make it aerodynamic, but I’m gonna be an UNCLE!”

The family wasn’t too pleased with me for a while.  But they weren’t exactly surprised.  I have kind of a big mouth.  John Suguitan, one of my so-called “friends” at school, has started calling me “Motormouth Mollen.”  Then he makes this loud, vroom-vroom sound like a motorcycle.

But who cares.  Jennifer is here, and I’m going to know and love her for a very long time.  Someday, when she gets married, I’ll be just as excited.  By then, I will be in Congress, writing legislation to ban Pine Box Derbies.

© 2005 Tim Mollen

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