Lost Journal

Humor Column
by Tim Mollen
September 22, 2005

Trying the Set the Tree-sit Record

Journal Entry:  August 13, 1980 (age 11)

This late in the summer, I almost wish I were back in school.  I’m too young to work, so there’s nothing to do except ride my bike, watch TV, or make crank calls to girls in my class.  I end up spending a lot of time at my friend Peco Hull’s house on Davis Street.  Peco has a lot of brothers and sisters, so there’s usually something going on over there.

But not today.  So, as we’ve done on many other boring summer afternoons, Peco and I climbed the big tree in his back yard.  From up there, we can joke around in private, and throw things at any interloping Hull siblings that approach.  Today, we decided we were so content up there that we should try to set the Guinness World Record for tree-sitting.  We had nothing better to do, and it would give us something to brag about when we started our first year at St. Patrick’s Middle School.

We gathered the necessary supplies:  a 2-liter bottle of TaB, a box of Lemon Cooler cookies, and a tape recorder.  The tape recorder would be used to create an audio record of our amazing feat.  It would be used to record ourselves doing impressions of Elvis and Gomer Pyle.  We figured the Guinness committee would appreciate the touch of levity.

After about 45 minutes back up in the tree, Peco said he had to go to the bathroom.  We figured it would be OK for him to climb down and go inside, as long as I stayed in the tree.  So he went and went.

He was gone a long time.  When he climbed back up, he explained that The Apple Dumpling Gang was on HBO, and that he wanted to see his favorite part.  I was wicked ticked off, so I said I had to go to the bathroom, too, and left Peco sitting in the tree.  Once in the house, I went into the Hull’s kitchen and served myself the very last bowl of Cocoa Puffs, which is Peco’s favorite cereal.  One might say he’s cuckoo for them.

Back in the tree, I proudly announced my fiendish deed.  Peco countered that he had finished off all the TaB and Lemon Coolers while I was inside.  That kind of set the tone for the rest of our time together in the tree.  We stopped talking, and just sat there, each of us waiting for the other one to give up on our record-breaking attempt.

Finally, Peco’s brother Marty came out with a copy of the Guinness Book of World Records, and informed us that the current record holder had stayed in a tree for something like two years.  Having only just passed the two-hour mark, I can’t say we were disappointed.  I said, “Well, I had to leave soon anyway.  Mom’s making spaghetti tonight.”  Peco replied, “Yeah, I’m going in.  I think HBO’s playing The Apple Dumpling Gang Rides Again next.”

© 2005 Tim Mollen

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