Lost Journal

Humor Column
by Tim Mollen
December 15, 2005

Hey, Nice Virus.  Can I Have it?

Journal Entry:  December 15, 2005 (age 36)

I’m already suffering through my second cold of the winter.  I’ve received my yearly flu shot.  I read every news story available on the threat of avian flu.  You might say that I have viruses on the brain.  (Coincidentally, that would confirm the long-held theory posited by a coalition of my former gym teachers.)

Out of this brew of paranoia and the sniffles, a strange idea has been percolating in my congested head.  What if there were viruses that were good for you?  What if there were viruses that had positive, or even pleasant effects?

Let’s imagine the progress of such a virus in a hypothetical patient we’ll call Betty Bompkinfrau.  DAY 1:  Betty wakes up feeling a bit rested.  As the day goes on, she notices that her meals are yummier than usual.  DAY 2:  Betty spontaneously tans and develops alarmingly good posture.  DAY 3:  Betty achieves a deeper connection with nature, her Higher Power, and the guy in the cube by the copy machine.  DAY 4:  Betty sneezes on a spatula while making a big batch of chili for the Bompkinfrau family.  Her newly infected children ask for seconds, and offer insightful anecdotes about what they learned in school that day.  DAYS 5 – 9:  Sensations of “phantom” back massages strike Betty at random times during the workday.  DAY 10:  Yumminess and feelings of well-being subside, but Betty’s tan becomes chronic.

It seems to me that symptoms like these would offer evolutionary value to the viruses themselves.  Stick with me here.  Viruses seek to infect and reproduce themselves in as many hosts as possible.  Wouldn’t a virus that is, in fact, POPULAR have a biological advantage over those nasty little bugs that no one wants?  I, for one, would be happy to assist a friendly little microbe that, say, makes people better dancers.  I’d infect myself, throw a party, and shake hands with wild abandon.  Then I would lead everyone in an Electric Slide of military precision and ethereal grace.  I would be the Typhoid Timmy of a new, worldwide fun-demic.

But, no.  Viruses have to be old-fashioned sticks in the mud.  They can’t explore their full potential, like their more open-minded cousins, the radiation-induced genetic mutations.  Those guys are cool.  They are responsible for plenty of misery, of course.  But they also know how to spice things up with an occasional positive development, like a lung-for-gill swap, or the unexpected bonus of an opposable thumb.

Get with it, viruses!  Don’t keep trying to kill us – work with us.  If you get to be more fun at parties, there’ll be more of you; more of us…everybody wins!

© 2005 Tim Mollen

Share the funny and help promote Lost Journal:

BACK	INDEX	NEXT