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Lost Journal
Humor Column
by Tim Mollen
December 29, 2005
New
Year’s Resolutions for 1984
Journal
Entry: January 1, 1984 (age 14)
So
far, it’s been a tumultuous freshman year at Seton Catholic Central High
School. I’m starting to get the hang of things, but I still have a
long way to go. This New Year’s
seems like a particularly important time to better myself with some firm
resolutions. Last year’s unmet
goal of bulking up to a weight of 125 pounds notwithstanding, I am determined to
make some changes this time. Here
we go.
-
Attend
Seton Booster Club meetings to urge that we replace our innocuous
“Saints” moniker with something more menacing (e.g., “the
Inquisitors,” or “the Scythe of God”).
-
During
ski club trips to Greek Peak, concentrate on not injuring myself while
“dismounting” the chair lift.
-
Use
leftover funds from my freshman class vice-president campaign to establish a
slush fund for my new video-game advocacy group, PacManPAC.
-
Sleep
less, but enjoy it more.
-
At
the B.C. Open, follow Craig Stadler around and yell “Coo coo ca choo”
whenever he’s putting.
-
Encourage
facial hair growth by listening to ZZ Top cassettes at bedtime.
-
Use
family’s new video cassette recorder to assemble a complete library of The
Misadventures of Sheriff Lobo.
-
Organize
a neighborhood bake sale to get in on the ground floor of the Mondale for
President juggernaut.
-
Marry
Adrienne Barbeau.
-
Lead
a discussion group comparing the societal impact of George Orwell’s book, 1984
with Van Halen’s album, 1984.
-
Usurp
school authority by disingenuously appearing in the yearbook’s Fishing
Club photo.
-
Intimidate
track and field opponents at the starting line by staring at them and
muttering “Yep, brand new Keds over here.”
-
Recount
the Thompson Twins – something seems off.
-
Replace
my inferior knit shirts featuring a small, embroidered tiger on the left
breast with vastly superior knit shirts featuring a small, embroidered
ALLIGATOR on the left breast.
-
Join
Clara Peller’s quixotic quest to determine where the beef is.
If
I can pull off even half of these goals, I’ll be well on my way to being a
sophomore to be reckoned with. Then
I can enter the mid-1980s with Mr. T-like strength, and Duran Duran-like
reflexes.
© 2005 Tim Mollen
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