Lost Journal

Humor Column
by Tim Mollen
January 26, 2006

Documenting National Insecurity

Journal Entry:  November 13, 2001 (age 32)

Currently, I work as a contractor for the Justice Department, doing technical writing for the Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS).  Specifically, I document the work processes of  network specialists who monitor and maintain the nation’s terror watch list.  The watch list is a mainframe database accessed by border patrol and customs agents to screen persons entering the United States.  Two months after the tragedy of Sept. 11, careful maintenance of this database has taken on vastly increased importance.  Accordingly, I came to this assignment with pride and excitement, eager to contribute to national security.

For my first documentation project, I have spent weeks researching, writing, editing, gaining approvals, rewriting and proofing.  But the process I have been documenting can easily be described in one sentence:  Every day, a network technician logs into the watch list database and manually types in that day’s date.  If the date is incorrect, or not entered, or entered in the wrong format, errors occur in the database.  For a variety of reasons, the database is already known to crash for hours or even days at a time, so reducing and preventing errors is essential.

The document I’ve been tasked with addresses the date issue by explaining, in excruciating detail:

• How to log into the database and enter the date
  

• How to correctly format the date
  

• What network technician should enter the date
  

• What back-up personnel are responsible for ensuring this work is performed on holidays, vacation days, and sick days
  

• What training is needed to provide continuity

A few days ago, as I began a fifth re-write, I felt a strong urge to shift gears.  I wrote to several of my superiors, both at the company I was contracting for and at the INS.  I pointed out that for the substantial amount of money they were paying me as a technical writer, they could instead hire a computer programmer.  Within a day or two, that programmer could write a few lines of code to permanently automate the date function within the database.  This would eliminate the chance for human error.  It would also eliminate the need to document the manual process, to train new employees to perform the manual process, and to provide back-up coverage for performing the manual process.  Essentially, I was advising them to fire me and take care of the problem in a permanent and efficient manner.

But now I sit staring at my monitor, with my eyes glazed and my mouth open.  A reply to my memo has arrived by e-mail.  I’ve been told that my observations are interesting, but that I should continue with the project as assigned.  They are awaiting my fifth draft so they can disseminate it for further revisions, rewrites and approvals.

I guess it’s good news that I still have a job.  The bad news is going to take a while to sink in.

© 2006 Tim Mollen

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