Lost Journal

Humor Column
by Tim Mollen
February 16, 2006

Introducing the 2007 Honda Giblet

Journal Entry:  February 16, 2006 (age 36)

The auto industry is undergoing a major transformation.  Hybrid and fuel cell technologies are radically changing engineering and design, and demand has skyrocketed for lighter, more efficient vehicles.  In anticipation of the many new car models that will be unveiled in the next few years, I have come up with a list of snappy, attention-getting model names for the industry to consider.

• The 2007 Honda Giblet – Every proud, American turkey is powered by a bag of high-viscosity innards.  Harness that power in your driving machine.  (Higher-end models replace windshield wiper fluid with delicious poultry drippings!)
  

• The 2007 Three-Toed Sloth, from Pontiac – If you’re going to drive slowly, do it in style.  Features include an always-on left blinker and our patented “old car smell.”
  

• The V8 Clamato – This zesty, refreshing people-mover runs on ethanol and a robust cocktail of tomatoes and clams.  If you don’t buy it, you’ll hit your head on your front-impact airbag and say, “Wow, I coulda had a V8!”
  

• The Chevy Scab – Cross union picket lines with confidence in this steel-reinforced, mobile fortress.
  

• The 2007 Buick Otolaryngologist – Nothing says, “I specialize in treating ailments of the ear, nose and throat” like a shiny, pink Otolaryngologist.  There’s no more need for those specialty license plates that read “NODULES 4U.”
  

• The 2007 Spleenwort Fern – We here at Ford proudly ran out of cool animal names.
  

• The All-New Chrysler Le Boog – Chrysler has just signed 1970 American League MVP Boog Powell to a multi-dozen dollar endorsement contract.  Express yourself.  Be the Boog.
  

• The C. Everett Coupe – speaking of endorsement contracts, Surgeon General Motors has lined up a beauty.  This sporty little number comes with killer detailing, listing the health hazards of driving a car with a distracting, Civil War-era beard.
  

• The 2007 Chevy Estallo – The Latino world loved the culturally sensitive marketing for our classic automobile, the “Nova,” which translates to “it does not go” in Spanish.  To honor that tradition, we proudly introduce the Estallo, which translates to “I explode.”
  

• The Hyundai Nerfmobile – Sure it’s unsafe, but man is it comfortable!
  

• Kirby the Love Bug – Herbie’s oft-overlooked and hairier older brother.  Lindsay Lohan won’t go near him, but you can!
  

• 2007’s Import of the Year, The Defenestration of Prague – improved safety features virtually guarantee you won’t be thrown out of a window into a ditch, sparking a 30-year war with Bohemia’s landed aristocracy.

For a sagging and beleaguered auto industry, these hip monikers will provide the biggest marketing boon since the Germans unveiled their inspired “Fahrvergnugen” campaign.  Head-scratchin’ equals big bucks!

© 2006 Tim Mollen

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