Lost Journal

Humor Column
by Tim Mollen
February 23, 2006

Mollen Vacation Marred by Mudslides

Journal Entry:  February 28, 1983 (age 13)

For months, my brother Dan and I had been eagerly awaiting our family trip to California.  We don’t go on many vacations, and certainly not to places as wicked cool as California.  Leaving behind the arctic gloom of Binghamton in February promised to be the perfect antidote to our winter blues.  As we drove to the Broome County airport, I hummed the old Albert Hammond tune, “It Never Rains In Southern California.”

Last week, we arrived in San Francisco.  It was pouring rain.  Mom and Dad said not to worry; this was typical weather in the Bay City, and not at all like our next destination – Los Angeles.  So we carried umbrellas around Fisherman’s Wharf for a few days and consoled ourselves with visions of sunny L.A.

We arrived in L.A. in the midst of a royal visit by Britain’s Queen Elizabeth.  All week, the headlines screamed things like “Queen’s visit marred by historic rainfall,” and “Mudslides shut down parts of the city.”  But for the sun-starved Mollen clan, the worst headline by far read “Severe weather closes Disneyland for the first time in its 28-year history.”  Super.  That night I went to sleep picturing Emmet Otter’s Jug Band wading through a murky floodplain in search of water-damaged banjos and washboards.  The stars of the Pirates of the Caribbean ride would fare well in these wet conditions, I figured, but what about the landlocked peoples of It’s A Small World After All?

Like the queen, we ended up spending a lot of our California holiday watching TV in our hotel room.  I wondered if she also preferred Wink Martindale, the amiable, engaging host of Tic Tac Dough, to Richard Dawson, the leering, sycophantic emcee of The Family Feud.  I thought about calling up her majesty, to see if she wanted to come over to help with my algebra homework, and to eat some Boo Berry cereal.  But then I realized there was no way to get her phone number.  And being a snobby aristocrat, she probably prefers Count Chocula anyway.

The trip hasn’t been completely ruined, though.  Dad was a great tour guide as we drove down the Pacific Coast Highway from San Francisco to LA, and I was in awe of the beautiful scenery and architecture on the 17-Mile Drive in Monterey.  The Hollywood Walk of Fame was cool, even in the rain.  Even the TV seemed to offer us a consolation prize.  Tonight, we watched the final episode of M*A*S*H, along with every other household in the country.  I was embarrassed when I cried in front of Dan, but he didn’t pick on me.

Soon we’ll be on a plane back to upstate New York.  That’s not all bad.  At least the people at home know how to deal with a little rain.

© 2006 Tim Mollen

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