Lost Journal

Humor Column
by Tim Mollen
April 13, 2006

Go Fourth, Graders…and Write!

Journal Entry:  April 6, 2006 (age 36)

When I was invited to speak to a fourth-grade class at Chenango Bridge Elementary School, I was a bit dubious.  Were grade-schoolers a demographic that reads my column?  What would I talk to them about that would hold their interest?

Their teacher, Mr. Chris Caroompas, assured me everything would be fine.  He has been reading my column to his class every week, so they would know who I was.  The class is learning the basics of good writing, and Mr. Caroompas wanted me to speak to them about brainstorming, word choice, and the idea that writing can be fun.  He told his fellow fourth-grade teachers about my visit, and they asked if their students could attend as well.

So today, I stood in front of 130 squirming kids sitting cross-legged on a gymnasium floor.  Before I even began to speak, the kids started asking questions.  “Can you make a funny face?,” asked Karoline.  After listening to my “humor” columns in class, she was apparently unconvinced of my comic prowess.  I obliged her with my friend Peco Hull’s patented “vaw” face, which consists of raised eyebrows, a massive overbite and the rapid repetition of the non-word “vaw!”  This lowbrow, highbrow hamminess seemed to win me points with Karoline, who laughed loudly for a few seconds before she turned deadly serious again and asked, “Can you make a funny sound?”

During my talk, I was charmed by the kids, who were more polite, attentive and thoughtful than I remember being in college, let alone in grade school.  They patiently waited with raised hands to ask questions, some of which took me by surprise.  A little boy wanted to know if I was inspired by other writers.  One young lady asked, “What was the saddest day in your life?”  Mysteriously, none of them asked who I like on American Idol, or what Pokémon character I think has the coolest powers.

The kids were equally impressive when responding to questions I posed to them.  They were able to explain the concept of alliteration in a wickedly wonderful way.  They reworked the sentence “My family had pizza for dinner last night” into the far more entertaining “My relatives dined on a hotpie for our evening meal.”

Looking around the gym for an idea, I offered them the mundane words “She walked across the stage.”  Together, we transformed that sentence into “She proudly pranced across the proscenium.”  Then a ginger-haired boy with a big smile raised his hand to offer his version.  As he shouted out the words, “she waddled across the poop deck,” the gym erupted in whoops of laughter.  I announced to the assemblage that they had just heard from my future replacement in the humor column business.

The most striking moment of the day came when a shy boy in the back asked, “Did you get picked on when you were in school?”  Being that I still look the part of a graceless and bookish clown, I could have taken this question as an insult.  But his tone of voice told me he was sincere.  He wanted to know if I had been through my share of bullying and insecurity.  In reply, I told him that, as a kid, I did deal with plenty of mean comments, unprovoked punches, and long, terrible moments hoping not to be the last one picked for the football game.  For me, good friends and a sense of humor were the keys to getting through those times, and I wish the same for this great group of kids.

© 2006 Tim Mollen

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