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Under the Christmas Tree, Action Figures Battle for Supremacy Journal Entry: December 25, 1976 (age 6) This morning, the living room floor was a sea of crumpled wrapping paper. From the midst of this festive wasteland came a battle cry: “Get ‘em, Spock!” With that, an 8-inch Captain Kirk action figure leapt out from behind the Christmas tree standard, guided by the hand of my brother, Dan. Simultaneously, I moved my Mr. Spock action figure out of the shadows beneath the couch. The two diminutive warriors met in the middle of the coffee table, where they pummeled an unsuspecting Juan Epstein (from Welcome Back, Kotter) into submission. Epstein’s note from his mother was no match for the Star Fleet warriors’ pugilistic skills. We don’t remember what action figure was gifted to whom, whether it was today or two Christmases ago. Our parents know that we’ll both play with all of them. Today’s additions, Spider-Man and Shazam, have taken their places in the box where we keep all our “men.” Dan and I take turns picking our teams of characters before we launch into a new scenario. Dan usually picks Captain Kirk first, and I usually choose the Vulcan first mate. We agree that Kirk is the best fighter, and he always wins in hand-to-hand combat. But we also agree that he has a powerful weakness. When any female action figure, such as Wonder Woman or Grandma Walton, appears on the scene, Kirk is compelled to walk away from the fight and smush his face against the face of the girl. This leaves Spock to outwit the enemy, or use his trademark Vulcan Pinch. Dan’s favorite action figure is G.I. Joe. At 12 inches, he towers over the other action figures. Joe also has red hair and a red beard, which, we agree, gives him unrivaled charisma and masculine prowess. I like the weird action figures the best – the aliens, mutants and bad guys. My favorite is a really cool villain from Spider-Man comics called “The Lizard.” I call him “Lizard-Man,” though. I think if you walk upright and wear a white lab coat you have no right to call yourself “The Lizard.” Like many comic book characters, Lizard-Man messed with dangerous substances in a laboratory, and was transformed into a super-powerful freak. To me, the most astounding thing about his transformation is the fact that his clothes became instantly tailored to the bizarre dimensions of his new body. His purple trousers have a neatly stitched hole in the back to accommodate his huge, scaly, lizard tail. He must shop at the same miraculous purple pants store as the Hulk. But back to today’s Christmas commando ops. I had set up a Lizard-man fort on Dad’s footrest. Dan perched Iron Man on the back of our Siamese cat, Ruby, and was quickly advancing on me. Thinking fast, I used the magic of the day to telepathically summon Santa Claus, and I asked him to bring Wolfman and Tonto with him. The stuffed Santa we keep seated by the fireplace is taller than Ruby, and soon had her on the run. Dan’s Iron Man was thrown from his feline steed, and was forced to face my perfectly tailored reptile and his newly arrived reinforcements. But the final kill would have to wait. Mom said we had to get ready for church.
©
2006 Binghamton Press & Sun-Bulletin
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