Lost Journal

Humor Column
by Tim Mollen
December 28, 2006

New Year’s Resolutions for 1993

Journal Entry:  January 1, 1993 (age 23)

As a young man in my 20s, I am brimming with idealism and drive.  I will use those gifts to make 1993 the very finest year since 1989.  Here are my New Year’s resolutions.

• Move out of my parents’ house again, with plans to move back in within a year.
  

• Re-open the dormant Orange Julius kiosk in the Oakdale Mall, sparking a race to unseat the Mall of America in Minneapolis as the largest shopping mall in the country.
  

• Sign up for the long-delayed universal health care ID card.
  

• Launch write-in campaign to cushion the news of the cancellation of TV’s Saved by the Bell with a spin-off called Teenage Mutant Lisa Turtle, starring underrated beauty Lark Voorhies.
  

• Dig in for a long fact-finding mission to determine if Whitney Houston is serious when she sings that she (ee-ee) will always love her bodyguard, Kevin Costner.
  

• Adopt grunting technique from tennis great Monica Seles; use it whenever I put on or remove a jacket.
  

• Convince the British delegation to the United Nations that it was a grave mistake to allow Mauritius to become a republic, while remaining in the Commonwealth of Nations.  It illuminated the first fissure in the Empire.
  

• Marry CNN Headline News anchor Lynne Russell.
  

• Give in to the inescapable tide of fashion and start wearing all of my pants and shirts backwards like Kris Kross.  (Note:  This does not apply to fluorescent, tiger-striped pants such as those favored by Joey Buttafuoco, which do not have a front or back.)
  

• Petition President-elect Clinton to continue his predecessor’s policy of regurgitating in the laps of foreign dignitaries.  Urge him to use the “bully vomit” to confront domestic adversaries as well.
  

• Write to Carson Daly, a theology student at Loyola Marymount University, and totally request that he heed the call of the Lord and avoid a career in broadcasting.
  

• In Seattle, publicly launch my new fragrance, Teen Spirit.
  

• Send begrudging congratulations to Nobel Laureate Rudolph Marcus for beating me to the punch with his mathematical analysis of how the overall energy in a system of interacting molecules changes and induces an electron to jump from one molecule to another.
  

• Brace myself for continued inability to secure an interview for the position of assistant stock boy at the Gap.
  

• Pioneer use of fledging “Internet” technology as a means to send chain letters in a new and exciting way.

By pursuing these goals with the kind of stick-to-itiveness shown by people who stick to lots of things, I hope to help usher in a new age of 90s-style harmony and understanding.  I also hope to finish reading Barry Williams’ memoir Growing Up Brady.

© 2006 Tim Mollen

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