Lost Journal

Humor Column
by Tim Mollen
February 22, 2007

Brother Gets One Measly Photo on the Front Page

Journal Entry:  March 14, 1985 (age 15)

Early this morning, I was lying awake in bed when I heard my father open a door across the hall.  He flipped the light switch on, and I could hear my brother Dan’s groan of disapproval.  Dad said, “Wake up – you made the front page.”  He tossed The Binghamton Sun-Bulletin onto Dan’s bed, and wandered, chuckling, downstairs to his bowl of Special K.

This was better than any alarm clock.  I jumped out of bed and ran into Dan’s room.  He was sitting up in bed now, staring in amazement at the paper.  On the top flap of the front page there was a huge photograph of Dan receiving a measles vaccination.

During the past few months, there have been 10 confirmed measles cases at Seton Catholic Central and Binghamton high schools.  Dan and I were among the many Seton students who received an inoculation yesterday in the school gym.  A newspaper photographer named Keith Hitchens was on hand to cover the story, and in Dan he found his perfect subject.

In the photo, Broome County Health Commissioner Kathleen Gaffney is administering the shot – her face a model of calm professionalism.  Dan’s face, meanwhile, is contorted into a gruesome howl of agony.  His eyes are squinty slits, and the arm not being injected is clutching the other arm in sympathy.  His screaming mouth is open wide enough to inhale a cantaloupe.  In the caption, he is identified as “Dan Mollen, 17.”  The writer probably should have specified 17 years, as the exhibited behavior is more representative of someone aged 17 months.

Dan’s intention had been to ham it up for his friends in the gym, but he took in stride the escalation of the event into front-page news.  He figured it would earn him some laughs from friends who had been unlucky enough to be in class or the bathroom at the time.  The fact that tens of thousands of other readers would likely be less entertained by this distillation of adolescent humor did not seem to faze him.

“This is awesome,” he said.

I nodded in agreement.  There was something wonderful about the idea of families passing the paper around the breakfast table.  “Look at this idiot,” a father might say.  “Don’t laugh,” a mother might add, “it looks like there’s something really wrong with that boy.”  In the houses of Dan’s classmates, there would be confusion as it was insistently repeated to incredulous parents that this boy had recently been elected Junior Prom King.  “That’s not funny,” the parents would intone, “You kids shouldn’t make fun of someone like this.”

Soon we were assembled at our own breakfast table.  Dad shook his head at Dan, smiled and said, “Look at this idiot.”  Mom shook her head and spectacularly failed to smile.  “Oh, Dan!  People are going to think there’s something really wrong with you.”  Dan looked at me and smirked.  We both knew this was going to be a great day at school.

© 2007 Tim Mollen

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