Lost Journal

Humor Column
by Tim Mollen
November 20, 2007

Be Thankful for the Medium-sized Things

Journal Entry:  November 20, 2007 (age 38)

It’s the medium-sized things in life that we should be most grateful for.  In this Thanksgiving week, here is a list of things for which we should all give thanks:

• The writers’ strike in Hollywood, which may mean that each and every American will get the chance to Dance with the Stars!
  

• The Telemarketing Do-Not-Call registry.
  

• My idea to boost unemployed telemarketers’ morale with a Do-Not-Register-For-The-Do-Not-Call-Registry Registry.
  

• Aquaman.
  

• McDonald’s straw wrappers, which rip open easily when the end of the straw is struck on a tabletop.
  

• Wikipedia.org and its realization of Douglas Adams’ dream for A Hitchhiker’s Guide to (Part of) the Galaxy.
  

• The word “mukluks.”
  

• The possibility that O.J. Simpson will be allowed to remain free, so that he can hunt down the REAL culprit who led gun-waving thugs into a hotel room to demand the return of autographed, O.J. Simpson bobbleheads.
  

• The lack of research and development funds at General Mills, which has prevented their successful Fruit Roll-Ups line from expanding into Meat Byproduct Roll-Ups.
  

• The possibility that Iowa will move their 2012 presidential caucuses to January 2008, so we can get two campaigns over with in one shot.  Alternatively, the national electorate could decide all future races by having the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court flip a coin that says “a Bush” on one side, and “a Clinton” on the other.
  

• Diaper Genies.
  

• Red Lobster’s lack of a singing, dancing mascot.
  

• The Undo feature in most software programs.
  

• Days when you feel like Goldilocks after trying one bowl that inhibits too much re-uptake of serotonin, and one bowl that overstimulates norepinephrine production, before trying the bowl of double-chocolate fudge brownie a la mode that’s just right.
  

• The robust leadership of angry, bald men throughout history.
  

• Upcoming re-airings of The He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special.
  

• Lumpless gravy.
  

• Gravy-less lumps.
  

• Non-sequitors in bulleted lists.
  

• The inspiring heroism of everyday people who wear gorilla suits and stand in front of car washes.

© 2007 Tim Mollen

Share the funny and help promote Lost Journal:

BACK	INDEX	NEXT