Lost Journal

Humor Column
by Tim Mollen
November 25, 2008

Happy Thankslisting!

Journal Entry:  November 25, 2008 (age 39)

In honor of Thanksgiving week, this is my second annual reflection on the things we all have to be thankful for.  Can you spot the one repeat from last year’s list?

• The hope that this economic downturn, in comparison to the Great Depression, will become known as the Mediocre Cranky Spell.
  

• The billions of dollars that will be pumped into our economy when consumers replace their entire DVD collections with marginally improved Blu-ray discs.
  

• The growing consensus among linguists that the term “sweetie” is best used by spouses to express affection, while “honey” is reserved for expressions of annoyance, worry, or frustration.
  

• The probability that her early endorsement of the president-elect will not be enough to secure a Cabinet slot for Obama Girl.
  

• The availability of “deep pocket” bed sheets that prevent the annoying morning ritual of pulling all four corners of the bed sheet back to where they’re supposed to be.
  

• Perry’s Chocolate Panda Paws ice cream.
  

• The growing momentum behind my petition to the Vatican proposing that Syracuse diocese Bishop Thomas Costello be appointed to an abbey, thereby conferring on him the historic title of “Abbott Costello.”
  

• The promise that one day all of us will be able to holographically project ourselves into Wolf Blitzer’s Situation Room.
  

• The retirement of Joaquin Phoenix.  The nation could not withstand the agony of watching this poor young man attend more Oscar parties, kiss more starlets, and cash more million-dollar paychecks.
  

• Skin.
  

• The plans underway in Congress to apply the concept of the Postal Service’s “forever stamp” to gasoline.
  

• The return of “Small” beverage sizes to fast-food chains, as an alternative to the existing sizes:  “Deluge”, “State-owned Reservoir,” and “Enough to Extinguish the Sun.”
  

• This year’s new float for the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade – “Cavalcade of Former Pentagon Officials Now Serving as Cable News Military Analysts!”
  

• The addition of a separate Oscar category for “Best Animated Film,” which prevents important films like The Curious Case of Benjamin Button from being crushed by Kung Fu Panda.  (See also:  The Secret Life of Bees vs. Bee Movie.)
  

• Aquaman.
  

• Statistically proven reductions in paper cut fatalities following the introduction of Amazon’s Kindle.
  

• The success of musical pioneers in the genre of “near-death-experience-metal.”
  

• The absence of a Turkish national holiday which consists of the wholesale slaughter of a bird they call “America.”

© 2008 Tim Mollen

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