Lost Journal

Humor Column
by Tim Mollen
November 29, 2009

Happy Thankslisting 2009!

Journal Entry:  November 29, 2009 (age 40)

In honor of Thanksgiving week, this is my third annual reflection on the things we (or at least I) have to be thankful for:

• The huge bailout for the ailing newspaper and print publishing industries.  Oh, wait – that hasn’t happened.
  

• The huge bailout for literary, performing, and fine artists, who ALWAYS need more financial support.  Oh, wait…
  

• Snuggie formal wear.
  

• The spot on a cat’s back, just before the tail, where a few good scritches gets them really annoyed.
  

• The unfortunate workers who have to stuff giblets into bags and shove the bags into turkeys.
  

• The security of knowing that if something were to bring about my untimely demise, my wife could easily find solace in the arms of The Mentalist.
  

• The lack of competition for my frequent gigs as a Ronnie Milsap impersonator.
  

• The hours of productivity gained by ignoring Facebook requests to join someone’s “Mafia” or farm collective.
  

• The forthcoming Right Said Fred version of Guitar Hero.
  

• NASA’s decision to replace the space shuttle fleet with ‘60s-style rockets.  In a few years, they might advance to using dirigibles, or platform heels.
  

• The lack of a political movement to legalize “medical methamphetamine.”
  

• The decision by some supermarkets to stop printing a logo on their brown paper bags.  They wisely realized it’s better to be associated with reusable bags than the tons of brown paper filling up landfills.
  

• The inability to smell ghosts.
  

• The return of ‘80s fashions, freeing millions of oversized fluorescent sweaters, torn sweatshirts, leg warmers, skinny ties and preppy Izod shirts from America’s closets.
  

• Norwegians.
  

• The fact that re-releases of film classics like Attack of the 60-foot Centerfolds and No Dinner, Dad, Till You Mow the Lawn will be now be labeled “from Academy Award winning filmmaker Roger Corman!”
  

• The comfort of knowing that the United Nations Security Council now includes Uganda.
  

• Self-stick stamps and envelopes, which prevent paper cuts on the tongue and that awful chemical taste.  (For old times’ sake, however, I do lick an occasional e-mail.)
  

• Non-election years.
  

• The growing consensus among consumers that turkey deep-fryers are only slightly less dangerous than Pop Tart flamethrowers.
  

• The repair and restarting of the Large Hadron Collider particle accelerator in Geneva, Switzerland, moving the scientific community closer to understanding the Big Bang and locating the elusive “Waldo” particle.
  

• Aquaman.
  

• Medical advisories to replace flu-laden high-fives with sweet, back-of-the-hand-on-back-of-the-hand action.

© 2009 Tim Mollen

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