Lost Journal

Humor Column
by Tim Mollen
December 27, 2009

New Year’s Resolutions for 2000

Journal Entry:  January 1, 2000 (age 30)

We’ve finally closed the book on the 20^th century.  This year’s resolutions are more important than usual, because they have to be Y2K-compliant.  Things seemed less consequential back in ‘99.  (Oops, I mean 1999 – almost broke my computer!)  Here are my millennial resolutions:

• Continue telling people that I’ve kept a daily journal since my conception.  When asked to show it to them, say it is far too intimate to share with ANYONE.
  

• Tell all the people who point out that 2001 is the actual first year of the millennium to get over it, and turn their focus to the effect of daylight-saving time on the centers of black holes.
  

• Make it up to those same mathematically obsessed chronologists by congratulating them on being alive for 11/19/1999, the last time the date will contain all odd numbers until 1/1/3011.
  

• Stop disparaging marsupials in mixed company.
  

• Celebrate last summer’s repeal of the 1933 Glass-Steagall Act banking regulations by swapping some Lehman Brothers derivatives to buy a Chrysler, making sure to insure it with AIG.  It’s about time Senator Phil Gramm and President Clinton worked together for the common good!
  

• For my first wedding anniversary (which is today), promise my wife, Amanda, that I will go back to my premarital policy of never passing gas when she is in the room.
  

• Help Amanda with her business plan to create Broadway musicals based on films based on musicals based on television after-school specials.
  

• Marry Jeri Ryan, defending my bigamy by citing the futility of resisting assimilation into the Borg.
  

• Following Stephen King’s serious car accident, start a petition to deny the nursing school application of Kathy Bates.
  

• Use the new Napster Web site to download “Livin’ La Vida Loca” in 38 languages (especially Swedish, which is the best for dancing).
  

• Have my midlife crisis early, loudly declaring that 30 is the new 40.
  

• Exchange my American currency for the new “euro” currency launched earlier today by the European Union.  Who doesn’t want to be paid for their goods and services with a lamb and pita treat smothered in tzatziki sauce!
  

• Put ALL of my savings into sure-thing investment Pets.com.  Evangelize the unstoppable dotcom boom by wearing Pets.com’s doglike sock puppet to all social gatherings.  “Bow-wow!  I’m gonna be on the Super Bowl this month!”
  

• Mourn the recent passing of Match Game host Gene Rayburn by __________.
  

• Wait out what will surely be a short term for Russia’s “acting president,” a right-wing KGB spy named Vladimir Putin.
  

• Place large bets that the next Tour de France will be won by last year’s first-time winner Lance Armstrong.  Then mail him a “Good Luck with the Tourney-kit” containing injectable steroids and a yellow rubber band.
  

• Sell my new brand of cookies, called “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Nutter Nor Can I Believe It’s Not Butters.”

© 2009 Tim Mollen

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