Lost Journal

Humor Column
by Tim Mollen
November 28, 2010

Happy Thankslisting 2010!

Journal Entry:  November 28, 2010 (age 41)

In honor of Thanksgiving week, this is my fourth annual reflection on the things for which we (or at least I) should be thankful:

• The ability to obtain pharmaceuticals at drive-thrus, which raises the possibility of same-lane surgery.
  

• The abundant shelf space in shuttered Blockbuster and Hollywood Video stores that can now be defiantly filled with Betamax cassettes, LaserDiscs, and MiniDiscs.
  

• Brett Favre’s recent announcement that he will probably retire from making retirement announcements after the next few retirement announcements (or texts).
  

• Garrison Keillor’s voice on The Writer’s Almanac podcast, which provides a daily, Zen-like dose of relaxation and education.
  

• The recent discovery of Gliese 581g, an Earth-like, “Goldilocks” planet (not too hot, not too cold).  Now the search is on for a “Wolf’s Stomach Axed Open by Meddlesome Huntsman to Reveal Small-eared Grandmother” planet.
  

• The opportunity to move past a particularly divisive election cycle and tackle the real issues exemplified by the Huffington Post headlines “First Lady Repeats India Brooch Stateside” and “Bristol Goes Goth-Dominatrix on Dancing with the Stars.”
  

• The availability of a little bitty Kleenex box that exactly fits a cubby in my car’s dashboard.
  

• The opportunity to use the word “cubby.”
  

• The resolution of the last of many lawsuits between the Beatles’ Apple Records and Apple Computer.  The first lawsuit was filed in 1978.  Reportedly, this will have no effect on any remaining wards of Chancery in Jarndyce and Jarndyce, or the Fruit of the Loom Apple Guy.
  

• The upcoming IPO for my Facebook-killer app, Torsopamphlet.
  

• The NFL’s rejection of the following proposed expansion teams:  the Wichita Linemen, the Urbana-Buckeystown Uvulas, the Gnome Field Advantage, and the NCIS:  Boise LUFU (Landlocked and Underutilized Forensics Unit).
  

• Aquaman.
  

• Men who aggrandize their knot-making skills and the women who love them.
  

• The probability that the only new employment opportunity for failed U.S. Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell may be a production of The Crucible at the Salem Theatre Company.
  

• The Biv in Bell Biv DeVoe.  You go, Biv!
  

• The woman behind me in line at Wegman’s, who gave me the idea to carry my reusable grocery bags in one of the reusable grocery bags.  (Aha!  Wow, I’m a moron.)
  

• The smell of a really talented aromatherapist.
  

• 1960s folksinger Bob Lind, for writing and singing the lyric, “Across my dreams with nets of wonder, I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love,” inspiring the careers of Insane Clown Posse, N.W.A., and Throbbing Gristle.
  

• Mom.

© 2010 Tim Mollen

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