Lost Journal

Humor Column
by Tim Mollen
January 2, 2011

New Year’s Resolutions for 1969

Journal Entry:  January 1, 1969 (age 0)

I’m an unborn child, so I have a pretty big year ahead.  I can’t see anything, but these bumps on either side of my head-blob have started picking up sounds from the outside.  From what I’ve gathered, there’s a lot going on out there.  My plan is to start 1969 with a clean slate, because there were times this past year when I was a real pinhead.  And before that, I felt like a nobody.  Here are my resolutions:

• Gain weight.
  

• Get out of the fetal position.
  

• Figure out if I’m a boy or a girl.  It seems like either way, it’s going to suck.  I want whatever “Get out of Gender Free” pass my guardian angel received from the Big Guy.  My angel’s name is Chris, which seems awfully convenient, especially because the pronunciation sounds more like a trumpet than a voice.  Furthermore, the Big Guy’s not exactly a “guy,” from what I can tell.  The whole thing’s very confusing, man.  No offense.
  

• Go see Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.  It sounded really good from in here.
  

• Try to be out in time for the moon landing.
  

• Beat fellow fetus Cate Blanchett to the outside world by at least 10 days, ensuring that she will always work in the shadow of my acting career.
  

• Request an innie.
  

• Campaign for Hubert Humphrey, which will cause J. Edgar Hoover to start a file on me at FBI headquarters, which, in turn, will ensure me a modicum of preschool street cred.
  

• Either marry Ann Margret in Marydel, Maryland, or marry Mary Ann from Gilligan’s Island.
  

• Suggest to the Beatles that they name their new record label “Google” to avoid future copyright litigation.
  

• Encourage colorblind clothing designers to sit out the ‘70s.
  

• To quell my emerging inner turmoil, transition from cell division to cell unity.  If it weren’t for mitosis, my toeses wouldn’t have to be separated and sent off, willy-nilly, to markets, homes, and roast beef dispensaries.
  

• Catch some episodes of the new soap opera One Life to Live before it gets cancelled.
  

• Establish complete physical dominance over my five older brothers.

• Send a thank-you note to Pope Paul VI for his Humanae Vitae encyclical.  I’m undecided on the larger issue of birth control, but the Pontiff’s advice has worked out really well for me, personally.
  

• Start a petition drive to encourage NBC to continue interrupting football broadcasts with scenes from Heidi.
  

• Hang onto a few of my stem cells for the new liver I may someday need.
  

• Model my life on that of recently deceased Estonian strongman and professional wrestler Georg Hackenschmidt.
  

© 2011 Tim Mollen

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