Lost Journal

Humor Column
by Tim Mollen
November 27, 2011

Happy Thankslisting 2011!

Journal Entry:  November 27, 2011 (age 42)

In honor of Thanksgiving week, this is my fifth annual reflection on the things for which we (or at least I) should be thankful:

• The retirement of Regis Philbin.  In 2004, Reege set the Guinness World Record for most hours spent on camera.  When your main goal in life becomes keeping up with the Kardashians, it’s time to step back and get some new priorities.

• Not working retail on Black Friday, which has now crept backward, creating Slate Gray Thursday.

• Nubbins, and anything remotely nubbin-like.

• The soon-to-explode Occupy Sesame Street movement, which could ignite a worldwide Snuffleupagus Spring.

• My left side.

• The word that Peter Jackson is filming The Hobbit in two parts.  This will allow Jackson to take a thrillingly audacious risk, by filming the second movie at the same time as the first, with the camera framed exclusively on hairy feet.

• The sound made by the alternately expanding and deflating cake made by Stymie in The Little Rascals.  Weeeee-whoaghhhhh.

• Aquaman.

• The craze on college campuses for stuffing as many people as possible into a Wi-Fi hotspot.

• Viral YouTube footage of people “flank-planking,” which is kinda like planking, except you have to find someone who is already planking, lay down just behind them without them noticing, and then whisper, “You just got totally flank-planked.”  Other great Internet memes include:  Nerfcutting, Sarah Jessica Parking, self-flanneling, doggy door-knobbing, public septum deviating, serial comma avoiding and unfunny verbing.

• John Kerry’s “Super Congress” cape and tights.

• My idea for a “Super Supreme Court,” which would consist of the two shortest justices, who would be given extraordinary control over the yearly Super Supreme Court Super Secret Santa gift exchange.

• You, falletinme be mice elf.  Agin.

• The recent shift in yogurt packaging towards four-packs.  This will prevent the scathing looks I receive from other grocery shoppers when I block the aisle and reach for 40 individual servings of the banana-strawberry flavor.

• The chuckle patch in The Magic Garden.  And Carole.  Especially Carole.  A lot.

• The GPS voice option for “ESL square dance caller.”

• Memory foam pillows.  Sure, they’re loaded with potentially harmful chemicals, but they remember who you are even when you don’t.

• Ever-present pronunciation help in print news stories about John Boehner (BAY-ner).

• The idea that there’s probably an app for kidney stone removal.

• The continuing absence of a live-action film version of “Ziggy.”

© 2011 Tim Mollen

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